Finding Hope and Strength When You Just Don't Wanna...

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me." ~Galatians 2:20

Oh, thank goodness.  I woke up this morning feeling like a dead man walking.  I have been really struggling the last two days with just putting one foot in front of the other.  Last night I went to a new bible study at our church about Esther done by Beth Moore.  It was all I could do to get there.  It's not depression as much as it is just ready to push the "enough" button.  I am quickly tiring of this period of transition.  I know that I have submitted to the process, I am going to finish the fight, but some days you just look around and wonder if you are the only one standing there.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. ~2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Grace is such an awesome thing.  It's God provision for days you don't wanna.  God says, "I know you don't wanna and that's okay, because I do." Then I get to write blogs about how "hohum" I feel and know that Christ is resting on me because I am boasting about my weakness.  *giggle*

All kidding aside, what an awesome God that we serve.  He says that there are going to be trials, there are going to be days that we are weak.  That we can't put one foot in front of the other.  There are going to be insults, hardships, persecutions & difficulties.  I don't believe that the God we serve wants to us "Buck Up" and "Fake it until we make it".  I think he wants us to be honest, with how we are feeling, with what we are going though, and turn to Him in those times and say, "Lord, I am here, broken and frail, and tired."

He wants us to share that with fellow followers.  It's when He gets to shine, it's when He gets the glory because we aren't doing it of our own accord.  He is growing us up.  Growing deep roots.  So that when the big storms come, that we are anchored in Him. It's only in that honesty with Him and others that we mature and learn to persevere.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ~James 1:2-4

Pure joy.  I don't know that I have considered this transition pure joy.  I am thinking that there will come a day that I will.  When I can look back on it and see how big God was in it.  Now I see it in glimpses but there will be a day when I look back and can see it in more fullness.  Today I just hold onto to the hope that day is coming.  There will be a day when I have my own kitchen again, when I have my own nest and that my family will be reunited.  Until that day there will probably be times that I long for the journey to be over.  That I long for the completeness of the transition.

I have always found strength in the arms of my husband, or in the voice of my Grandfather.  As God has removed those from my life I have had to learn to draw my strength directly from the source.  I have had to get comfortable on my knees crying out for His strength.  I am just a woman, with three kids, and two dogs, wandering in the desert crying out to our Savior and saying, "Lord, all of my pillars are gone". He is teaching me more and more every day through my weakness that He meets me, He sings over me, He draws me to Himself.  He receives me.  He doesn't take me, He receives me.  I just have to be willing to lay it all down and allow Him to love me.  Allow Him to show me his grace, through my shame, through my loneliness, through my ineptness.  He alone is where my strength and courage come from.




Be blessed and be a blessing, consider it pure joy to follow a Savior that leads you through the dailies and loves you with an extravagant love.  A love that always wins.


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Scars, The Common Bond

But Thomas, sometimes called the Twin, one of the Twelve, was not with them when Jesus came. The other disciples told him, "We saw the Master." But he said, "Unless I see the nail holes in his hands, put my finger in the nail holes, and stick my hand in his side, I won't believe it." Eight days later, his disciples were again in the room. This time Thomas was with them. Jesus came through the locked doors, stood among them, and said, "Peace to you." Then he focused his attention on Thomas. "Take your finger and examine my hands. Take your hand and stick it in my side. Don't be unbelieving. Believe." Thomas said, "My Master! My God!" Jesus said, "So, you believe because you've seen with your own eyes. Even better blessings are in store for those who believe without seeing." ~John 20:24-29 The Message

Even after resurrection, Jesus had scars.  He literally had been to hell and back, had risen from the dead. Thomas would not believe it was Jesus until he himself could see Jesus' scars.  The wounds were no longer gashed open, they were no longer oozing, the had become scars.  Scars no longer hurt, but they become almost a calling card of our past.  They represent new life, they represent being more than an overcomer.

As I attending a retreat with our wonderful little church this weekend there was a time set apart to just go listen to what God has to say to us. I love nothing more than to hold a pen in my hand and allow God to write me love letter.  He is always so good to meet with me and to tell me His words.  That's one of the main reasons I blog, because even as I write I trust Him to talk me through my own crisis.  It's how He talks to me.  As I was sitting there and listening this is what He laid upon my heart.

"Sometimes when you think you know it all especially about yourself I will come and mess with your theology.  I love you unlike anyone else can.  When are you going to understand that? I have called you to myself despite your self, despite your scars, I have scars, too. Trust me.  It's not what you expect.  It's so much more. Quit limiting me in your life.  Take the lid off.  Hold on Beautiful. Fear not, let me handle this."

The realization is that I am still walking around with bandages on.  Not because I am still in pain, not because the wounds need care, but because I still have lived in shame of them.  I have hid them from others around me.  I have shared only glimpses of my life with others.  I have only given them my best side and have not shared the scars that have remained not only to remind me, but others around me, of my past.

Saturday night, after this nice conversation He and I had, there was an opportunity to open up to with someone and to share my testimony. I was able to share the view of some of my scars to someone who is still dealing with wounds that are very painful.  God was able to let my scars give this person hope that God is still healing people just like them.  What a beautiful restoration, for both of us.  I don't live in the land of disqualified just because I have scars.  They don't have to live in the land of pain because God is still in the healing business.   What a blessing, what a great moment of reassurance.

"And they have defeated him by the blood of the Lamb and by their testimony. And they did not love their lives so much that they were afraid to die." Revelation 12:11

It takes Jesus, and us talking about our resurrection through Him, but the only way to have scars is to be hurt.  Sometimes that comes at the death of ourselves our desires, our dreams.  Sharing our testimony can feel pretty death like.  We just want to sweep it away.  We fret the judgement of man.  We wonder if we will be accepted, we live in the pain of our wounds instead of the salvation of our scars.  Scars mean we are still alive.  I have a friend whose husband is a wounded warrior.  Yes, he has scars, but scars mean that he is still here with us.  20 some surgeries later, his wounds are healing and all that will remain will be scars.  He has a testimony of conquering death and overcoming.  He doesn't see it that way, yet.  Until we accept our scars as a sign of life, we continue to lick them and keep them open.  We allow their pain to be an excuse to cause pain to others around us.  Collateral damages.

Wounds take time to become scars.  I envision WWII vets sitting together and showing each other the scars that give them a common bond.  They fought the good fight, they survived when they know so many others didn't and they share their scars as a testament of a life that continued.  I think that's what we the church need to be doing.  Sharing our scars, sharing the life that God has given us.  Not live in pain and shame of what God has done in our lives just because we don't want others to know of the places and the wars that we have fought. There is hope in scars.  There is life in scars.  There is a common bond in scars.

But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed. ~Isaiah 53:5


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The Outsiders... "Wherever"

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”- Joshua 1:9

Do you know what word I love there?  One guess. Wherever.

Wherever you go God will be with you. What a great promise and one that my children and I have gotten to experience living out loud in our lives as we have been on this leg of our journey.  We have seen God's hand in our deliverance.  We have met him face to face at the kitchen table during devotion time and we have met him face to face in the new people that we have met along the way.  He is so good at giving us reminders of His love and His provision in a time that we have needed it the most.

My oldest son last night went to worship practice at our little local church here.  Here is his Facebook status from when he got home "Wow.... Words could not possibly desscribe how magnificent to nights worship practice was, and whoever said that worship "practice" was just for practice.... They lied,..... But feel special now as the sound board guy after what Jeff said to me :). Today... Was a great day". My son, is a tech head.  He loves to do the sound board and has been blessed to be able to do it wherever we have landed.  But last night this man Jeff, a visiting Pastor put it in a new perspective for him.  He told him that he was a worship leader because without him, there would be no sound.  Sounds so simple yet it hit him so profoundly.  As they were practicing Alex said that the atmosphere changed and they actually went into a time of worship themselves.  Keep in mind this young man of mine is just a mere two weeks from turning fifteen and although he has been through the wringer, missing his dad, starting all over with friends, last night he worshiped.  It just does a mom's heart good to know that along the way, wherever he goes, God and his extravagant love has found the heart of my boy.

My kids through this whole process have not lost faith in God.  We have some awesome conversations in the mornings as we read through the Bible one book at a time.  My daughter, yesterday said, "The words obedience and boundaries are every where in here", referring to the Bible.  We were reading in the book of Judges and she was amazed that the two words that I harp on are right there, God is always hurt by our disobedience but through his compassion for us, He always creates a wherever for us to get out of our best laid plans and follow Him.

We have realized that we outgrew where we came from.  The wisdom, the strength, the faith that has bloomed from our transplant has shown us that it was God's timing. I am writing again, the kids are seeking God again, we are allowing God to heal the wounds of our move.  My kids have very few memories of church other than where we left.  I spent years training them to grow on that post, and it has taken close to 18 months to teach them that new territory gives you more space and can blow the lid off of the restrictions that they felt before.   We have realized that there is a world outside of what they knew, we have learned that there are people out there, that have a need in their lives for an outrageous ragamuffin family like us.  We have been able to plant many seeds of salvation in people.  We have been blessed and we have blessed others. God is good, all the time.

The LORD had said to Abram, "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you. "I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you; I will make your name great,
and you will be a blessing.  I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you." Genesis 12:1-3

So take your claws out of the door jam.  Allow God to take you on the adventure of a lifetime.



Be blessed and be a blessing.  Love always wins.

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Time for Change? Hope?

Finally, all the elders of Israel met at Ramah to discuss the matter with Samuel. “Look,” they told him, “you are now old, and your sons are not like you. Give us a king to judge us like all the other nations have.” Samuel was displeased with their request and went to the Lord for guidance. “Do everything they say to you,” the Lord replied, “for it is me they are rejecting, not you. They don’t want me to be their king any longer. Ever since I brought them from Egypt they have continually abandoned me and followed other gods. And now they are giving you the same treatment. Do as they ask, but solemnly warn them about the way a king will reign over them.”

So Samuel passed on the Lord’s warning to the people who were asking him for a king. “This is how a king will reign over you,” Samuel said. “The king will draft your sons and assign them to his chariots and his charioteers, making them run before his chariots. Some will be generals and captains in his army, some will be forced to plow in his fields and harvest his crops, and some will make his weapons and chariot equipment. The king will take your daughters from you and force them to cook and bake and make perfumes for him. He will take away the best of your fields and vineyards and olive groves and give them to his own officials. He will take a tenth of your grain and your grape harvest and distribute it among his officers and attendants. He will take your male and female slaves and demand the finest of your cattle and donkeys for his own use. He will demand a tenth of your flocks, and you will be his slaves. When that day comes, you will beg for relief from this king you are demanding, but then the Lord will not help you.” But the people refused to listen to Samuel’s warning. “Even so, we still want a king,” they said. “We want to be like the nations around us. Our king will judge us and lead us into battle.” So Samuel repeated to the Lord what the people had said, and the Lord replied, “Do as they say, and give them a king.” Then Samuel agreed and sent the people home.  ~1 Samuel 8:4-21

Somehow, we as humans forget to look at the past and learn from it.  We tend to do the same things over and over again and fall in the same holes.  We look to a man, a king, a president, someone tangible that can save us and fight for us.  We want a knight in shining armor, to run with the chariots and fight our battles for us.  We don't want to meet with God face to face, we want a Moses that will climb to the top of the mountain for a face to face meeting and then while he is away, we look for something new to replace him, we settle for golden calves and the glow of Moses instead of lacing up our hiking boots and climbing to the top of the mountain for our own "Come to Jesus" meeting.

The more I read the news lately the more I am ignited to share the gospel across the planet.  Haiti, Chile, landslides.  Do I have a heart for missions?  Maybe, I think that our everyday lives are mission trips.  I believe that God is calling all of us to lay down our comforts of home and to engage in the battle and quit waiting for someone else to do it for us.

"So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you." ~Romans 12:1-2 The Message

We are an apathetic people.  We focus on the small details and forget to look up and ask why we are here.  What do you have for me today.  Put me in coach I am ready to play.  We are content to sit in the stands and watch other people score touchdowns.  We are willing to watch a state of the union address and condemn and have opinions but we aren't willing to do anything to change it. We are willing to sit in the pew as the pastors tell stories of meeting with Jesus.

So where does our hope come from?  We lose hope in Jesus within us if all we do is look at our circumstances.  If all we do is look at our checkbooks, if all we do is watch the news, and never do anything to change it. I am so ready for hope and change.  I am realizing that it has to come from the Jesus within me.  It won't come in the form of a man, I have to pick up with sword and fight my own battles against the deceiver.  I have to be willing to make the hike, to take my own tools to make the sacrifice and have hope enough in God that He will meet me there and supply the sacrifice.  My own flesh is what he is asking for this today.  Am I willing to be a sacrifice? Am I willing to stand near the burning bush?  Am I willing to come face to face with the Pharaoh and demand freedom? Or am I just going to sit back and complain?

King Jesus is all I need.  Redeemer, Lover of my soul. Heal me so that I can go into battle, I know where to come for my next set of wounds.

Be blessed then be a blessing. Love always wins.


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Family of Orphans

Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. John 8:35-36

Growing up in the 70's had a few challenges.  It has taken me years to realize that not everyone grew up in the "craziness" that I did.  There was a lot of drug and alcohol use in my family.  Drugs and alcohol can pervert, dilute and breed discord in an otherwise normal situation.  It can take a normal family, open to the door to things that you could never imagine and can leave a generation of orphans that didn't grow up with God as the plumb line in their life.  It breeds and grows exponentially feelings of rejection and abandonment.  It destroys marriages, it destroys families, and it kills people that we love.

I was talking to my cousin yesterday and we both admit that Jerry Springer has nothing on us.  We could be a week long special, there is way too much craziness and tragedy to be in one episode.  I hadn't talked to him in years.  Life has dealt us both different hands, we have moved in different directions, but as kids we were raised almost as brother and sister and despite all of the crazy there is comfort in talking to someone that knows where you come from.  We can talk about the loss of his mother. We can talk about wanting to go on Dance Fever when we were in elementary school.  Somehow his voice on the other end of the phone brings back so many memories of my childhood, usually with him right by my side.

When tragedy strikes we all deal with it in our own way.  God has a different path to healing for all of us.  When my aunt, his mother, was murdered in 1991, we both had to deal with it the best way we knew how.  There is no guilt or condemnation in that statement.  She was his mother, she was my favorite aunt.  She was the one that was able to talk to me about things that my mother couldn't talk to me about.  I loved her.  However, when the dust settled, I still had my mother.  He didn't.  He floundered. I got married and left the area.  I had kids and got busy, he is still single and lives the "Salt Life".

The amazing thing to me, the humbling love of God, has brought us back together all of these years later.  I thought I had lost him forever, even wondered if he was still alive.  The realization is that I had been feeling "set out" by my family essentially since my aunt had been killed.  He had, too.  Despite the fact that there were other aunts, we both lost our "core family" in that moment.  I have never regained a feeling of "extended family" again.  I have walked in pain of it, under the surface for close to 20 years now.

I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. ~John 14:18

What an awesome promise. Yesterday when we were getting off the phone, my cousin said, "God Bless You", and in that moment I realized that we are both orphans adopted into the family of God. Cousins by birth, brother and sister by circumstance, both reconciled by the blood into the same family.  I am thankful and I am blessed.

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